Ahem… [clinks glass with fork]
Everyone! Everyone, please…
I’d like to make a toast.
As you all know, we’re gathered here today to bid adieu to our friend, Old Tax Code, and wish him well in his upcoming retirement.
Old Tax Code—it’s been a heck of a ride. You’ve been in the same role since you were signed into law in the ‘80s. Like my Uncle Billy’s mullet, you’ve stuck around since then. And just like his mullet, I think we’d all agree you got a little worse with age.
I kid, I kid. But seriously, I know there’s some people who are going to miss you. Those big, well-connected special interests really enjoyed the deals you cut for them over the years. Between the carve-outs and loopholes, you were looking more like a block of Swiss cheese by the end, amirite?!
Old Tax Code, you definitely knew how to stand out from the pack. Your corporate tax rate was one of the highest in the world. You did more to discourage businesses from investing here in America than just about anything else. Let’s be honest: you’re one of the biggest reasons why jobs were leaving the country!
And let’s not forget the impact you had on the young men and women here. You were always there for them, reminding them with every pay stub that you got your cut first.
You weren’t content to let the next generation have it easy. No, you thought things needed to be more challenging for them. Things like “making ends meet,” “affording groceries,” “finding a job” and of course “putting money away so we don’t have to live paycheck to paycheck for the rest of our lives.”
We’re sad to see you go, Old Tax Code, but we know you’re leaving us in capable hands. This new kid, New Tax Code, shows a lot of promise. And sure, he’s been making a splash, but don’t worry—we won’t forget you.
We’ll think of you every two weeks when we look at our paychecks and see more money than we had last year. Every time a new company announces they’re handing out bonuses or raises or says they’re expanding their benefits or hiring more workers because of the new guy, we’ll remember you too.
And of course, we’ll think of you next April when we go to do our taxes. We’ll sit back and reminisce and say things like “Remember when we spent all of April with a growing sense of dread in the pit of our stomach?” or “Don’t you miss giving all of that money to Old Tax Code?”
So here’s to you, Old Tax Code. You certainly made our lives interesting. Best of luck in retirement, and don’t you worry about us—we’ll be just fine.